More Than Just a Mother: Rediscovering Myself
Motherhood often feels like gasping for air. Like you’re stuck underwater, unable to breathe, and constantly on the verge of a panic attack. The weight of responsibility, the never-ending tasks, the overwhelming love you have for your children, sleepless nights, and struggling to be more than just a mother pulls you down, leaving you wondering when you’ll ever come up for air.
For me, that weight feels even heavier because one of my children, Nasir, has Global Developmental Delay (GDD). Parenting him means wearing so many hats, advocate, therapist, teacher, caregiver, all while being “Mum.” It’s rewarding but exhausting in ways I never imagined and has become my whole personality. Have you ever wished you could lock yourself away from the repetitive overuse of the word “mum” or just change roles for a day so you can take a breath? Cause, same!
Don’t get it twisted, motherhood is a life-altering journey that has given me so much life, growth, and happiness, but it also brings an identity shift. Somewhere in the chaos of mum life, I’ve lost myself.
Surviving, Not Thriving
I’ve used the phrase “surviving, not thriving” to describe my journey through motherhood more times than I care to count. Surviving means I’ve done what I’ve needed to get through the days, weeks, months, doing my best to care for my children. Providing what they need in spite of taking care of myself. Becoming nothing more than just a mother.
I thought I was stronger than this and had naive misconceptions about how I would be more than just a mother. I was always so certain I would not let motherhood devour me, change who I am or what I enjoy. But it did! I have no regrets, though I’d be lying if I said I’m not disappointed as to how far I have lost myself. Mum life is a struggle trying to balance the pieces you want to take with you into motherhood while allowing yourself to organically evolve. Re-evaluating your values is an eye-opener, it allows you to hold space for what you truly want in your life bringing the old and new together but it can be very tough being present in the moment and reminding yourself of this when you’re overwhelmed.
What was a life of comparatively little responsibility is now full of routines catered to little humans that rely on you so much that it’s easy to let things slip or become low “priority.” Non-negotiables become no-brainers. Parenting is synonymous with letting go of what you cannot control, so I get unreasonably annoyed when I see people that aren’t in your shoes telling you that you’re not making certain activities a priority.
The Struggle We Share
Motherhood is beautiful, but it’s also an exchange. We trade parts of ourselves for the needs of our children. Over the years, I’ve felt pieces of myself slipping away:
- Time for myself: Quiet mornings are replaced with chaos.
- My identity: “Mum” became my primary role, leaving little room for the old me.
- My health and fitness: Once a way of life, now non-existent.
- My friendships: Coffee catch-ups turned into being left on seen in digital conversations.
- Freedom to dream: Long-term goals were postponed indefinitely.
These losses aren’t permanent, though. They’re invitations to evolve. Reclaiming these pieces of ourselves doesn’t mean we love our kids any less, it means we’re taking steps to make space for the best version of us.
Steps Toward Rediscovery
Becoming more than just a mother isn’t about getting back to who you were, it’s about balancing who you’ve become and who you still want to be. For mums of high-needs children, the challenges can feel even greater. Nasir, for example, has unique needs that not everyone understands, which means leaving him in someone else’s care isn’t always an option.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
- Find support within your home: If your partner is your primary support, communicate your needs clearly. Even small adjustments, like a 10-minute breather, can help. (Though it never feels long enough)
- Create micro-moments of self-care: Carve out small windows of time for yourself, like taking advantage of the kids’ bath-time for a 7-step skincare routine or stretching during nap time.
- Seek professional resources: Engage professionals who specialise in supporting high-needs children; they can also provide ideas to help you balance your wellbeing. In New Zealand, there is funding for respite or even housekeeping resources to give carers a brief break!
- Build trust slowly: Gradually introduce trusted people into your child’s care routine if possible.
- Be kind to yourself: Acknowledge that your journey may look different from others, and that’s okay. Progress is still progress.
Follow the Breadcrumbs
Rediscovering yourself starts with small steps:
- Ask Yourself Key Questions
- What did I love doing as a child?
- What brings me joy or sparks my interest now?
- What did I enjoy before children?
- What would I do if I had no responsibilities for a day?
- What are my values? (I have a worksheet below to download to work through these)
- Journal Your Thoughts Reflect on these questions and let them guide you toward activities or goals that excite you. This would be a great exercise to start with your children if they are able to write.
- Try New Things Explore hobbies, take free online workshops, or revisit childhood passions.
- Prioritise Self-Care Listen to your body and emotions. Rest when needed and let go of guilt.
- Start Something of Your Own Consider creative projects or small ventures that align with your interests.
Mum, I See You
Mum, I see you. You’ve given so much of yourself that it feels like there’s nothing left at the end of the day. I’ve been there, too. But you’re more than just a mother. You deserve to thrive, not just survive. Reclaiming your identity isn’t selfish, it’s a gift to yourself and your family. I bet your kids see you as more than just a mother, they see you as their Superhero NOT a Supermum!
Looking Ahead
This is the start of my rediscovery journey. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I’m excited to take small steps toward finding myself again. My goals for the next 12 months are tied to this rediscovery, whether through physical health, personal growth, or emotional wellbeing, and I’m excited to share my progress.
If you’re reading this and feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself, know that you’re not alone. Start small. Take one step today, even if it’s just acknowledging what you miss about the old you. You’re worth the effort. Don’t be afraid to share your goals or advice down below!
Tips for Parents
- Be Patient with Yourself: Rediscovery is a process, not a race.
- Set an Example: Show your kids the importance of self-care and pursuing passions. Include them in the new habits or hobbies, they’re sponges and want to be just like you. For my children, I’ll take them to a park to exercise and they can either join in or safely do their own thing (now that I can trust Nasir won’t run off into the sunset)
- Celebrate Small Wins: Every step you take toward finding yourself is a victory.
To new beginnings!
Elysha